I always have wanted to be a superhero. I’ve always wanted to be a super parent. Is in honor of New York City Comicon, I bring you the top ten superpowers every parent wishes they had, or if they have them, gloats mercilessly at every party they go to. To those parents I have just one thing to say, I double dipped in the punch bowl. So without further ado, here is my top ten super powers every parent wishes they had.
10) Teleportation – My kids are too young for this to really factor in, but I talk to other parents and they would give their, and their kid’s, eyeteeth to be able to transport kids to and from various events, sports, and the dreaded dates without breaking out their pimped out minivan. Me, I would use it to kill my one and a half hour commute one way to work. Oh, and I do not live in Los Angeles. Yeah, you read that right. Oh, and then when my kids were old enough I could teleport the boyfriends to Alaska and my girls to a convent. Just don’t tell my girls that.
9) Cleaning dervish – My house looks like 2.4 million people live here. Okay, four girls and two parents, but that must add up to 2.4 million. The cleaning dervish power would allow me to keep my house so clean that Martha Stewart would bring people over for dinner parties ON MY FLOOR! That’s right, tables and chairs would not be needed for a black tie affair because my floor would be more than adequate.
8) Demon banisher – I dread that middle of the night wakeup from my girls about the bad dream they had. Getting them calmed down and back to sleep is my duty, but I am human. I think about the job I need to get to on time in the morning and wonder what it would take to get them back to sleep as soon as possible. If I had this super power it would be with a snap of my fingers. Then we both could go back to dream of pink ponies flying airplanes through strawberry milkshakes. What you say you never have dreams like that? I feel so sorry for you.
7) 360 degree vision – We all want to have eyes in the back of our head. Some people seem to actually do so. Are they aliens or superheroes? This should be a competition in the Olympics or something. Have little ones try to take cookies from the cookie jar, and the mom who could detect this from farthest away would get the gold. That, and a free examination from that guy on the Discovery Channel with the crazy hair that loves his aliens.
6) Healer – No parent wants to see their child hurt, and we all pretend to kiss the booboo away. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it really worked? I would give a lot for this power. I would then volunteer to be Gwyneth Paltrow’s personal healer. It would be a job, but a job I could get behind, after my jaw was reset after my wife was done.
5) Cloning – How many more of me would it take to make sure everything gets done each day. I can guarantee you more than one. I have a feeling it would be more than two. If you asked me my honest guess it would be 17.6 clones, but I would round up to 18 since 0.6 clones would be yucky.
4) Commanding voice – I have this every once in a while, but if I had it all the time… Of course I wouldn’t have to work or earn a living and I would be a horrible human being. That being said, there is not a single parent that would give for this power at one time or another, or every day. I would give a lot just to be able to get what I ordered when I go through drive thru. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to get my order right? I did it twenty five years ago. I mean fifteen years ago. Okay, I wish on that last one. Man I’m getting old.
3) Sleep inducer – This is one I really need to work on. My wife and I are night owls. Unfortunately we have passed this down to our children. If anyone knows how to claim this super power without the use of alcohol please let me know. Of course that would mean I was able to get my own stuff done, so this power without the cloning might not be as handy. Then again…
2) Produce food from thin air – It amazes me when I am able to pull this off. I have four children vying for my attention, not to mention my wife, but still everyday food appears on the table at some time in the evening, and most of the time it is not coming out of paper bags. I love to cook, but if I could just wave my arms and have nutritious, delicious food appear, my days would be so much easier. Oh, and with the way food prices are going, I would be a lot richer.
1) Love fountain – Needs no explanation. This is the one superpower that almost every parent has, and one that is the most important in raising children.
Does your top ten differ? Let me know in the comments below. I dare you. :>)
Oh, and be super for your children!