As my children make me lose my mind
Relegating me to an asinine screaming lunatic
God help me, when do they go to bed?!?
As my children make me lose my mind
Relegating me to an asinine screaming lunatic
God help me, when do they go to bed?!?
Being there when you came into this world
I remember thinking how tiny you were
Red and screaming about being rudely ripped from your motherly home
The planet has come full circle around our star
Here I am encircled around your little finger
Day after day I watch your amazing metamorphosis
As you grow up so very fast
Yet you will always be my baby girl
Ever hold an angel, wondering if every breath might be her last?
Ever hold an angel, marveling at her ability to touch hearts?
Ever hold an angel, struggling to communicate?
Ever hold an angel, smiling because of her infectious laugh?
Ever hold an angel that loved to fly so high?
Ever hold an angel that slipped away in your arms?
I was blessed enough to do so, and now my angel flies on her own.
I love you Angela.
The two wizards stood at opposite edges of a pentagram drawn inside a large circle where the points of the pentagram almost pierced the circle’s edge. They had eyes only for each other, not noticing the gathering crowd waiting to watch the spectacle that was about to commence.
Eric of the Purple Cloak waved his arms in a rotated figure eight, summoning the spirits of his dead ancestors to give him strength in the coming ordeal. Luscious of the Red Order laughed before striking his staff into the ground, calling upon the life blood of the earth to pour into his magic.
The two wizards kept perfectly still, daring the other one to show weakness and be the first to attack. The crowd began to get anxious. They wanted to see what the two robed men were about to do, but it was cold out and the entertainment factor was quickly running out. The crowd began to disperse with murmurs of idiots and cross dressing clowns.
This angered Eric. He turned to address the haters. Unfortunately for Eric, this was seen as an act of aggression for Luscious, and Luscious cast his attack spell, summing an elemental of earth to crush Eric’s legs. Eric had to swallow his words and spin to defend himself, jumping into the air with gangly dexterity to avoid the perceived hands from accomplishing their mission.
Snickers rose from the crowd, but Luscious ignored their snide remarks. He unleashed his next spell firing a ball of negative energy spinning toward Eric’s midsection. Eric landed on the ground and managed to get his magically enhanced hands in front of him. Eric caught the ball of energy in his hands, and with a brief squishing of the ball, he managed to flash it out of existence. Eric then flung his arms forward and a howling filled Luscious’ ears as Luscious saw a spirit wolf fly through the air, saliva dripping from its ghostly jaws. Luscious brought his arm up to fend off the ghostly beast, but the wolf sunk its translucent teeth into Luscious’ elbow causing Luscious to howl.
A little girl in the crowd pulled on her daddy’s arm. “Daddy, what are those two men doing?”
Her daddy bent over. “Those are cos players,” her daddy said. “They dress up as someone else. These two are acting out a battle.”
“But I don’t see them fighting,” she said.
“They are pretending,” her daddy said.
Just then Luscious managed to land a spell into the leg of Eric causing him to fall to his side. Luscious wasn’t able to follow through since he appeared winded.
“Then I’ve got this,” replied the little girl. Before her dad could say a word, the little girl moved to the front of the crowd and pointed her hands in the shape of guns at the two cos players. “Bang bang. You guys are dead, and I win,” she said.
The two cos players smiled, then gave their best dramatic death throws before collapsing to the ground amid applause from the crowd. The little girl turned back to her dad and smiled triumphantly. “See, Daddy?” she asked.
Her daddy nodded but just then two Robocop knockoffs rode up on Segways. “Little girl, you are under arrest,” said the left knockoff in a metallic monotone.
The little girl put her hands on her hips. “Why?” she asked defiantly.
The second knockoff got off the Segway. “Killing wizards is a capital offense,” he said, almost keeping a straight face monotone throughout.
The little girl thought for a minute, then pantomimed putting her guns away. “I’m a little girl. I think it is a lower case offense,” she said.
That was it. The two knockoffs started laughing and that infected the rest of the crowd, including the dead wizards. Her daddy shook his head. “And I was worried you would be weirded out by all the costumes,” he said.
“Remember daddy,” the little girl said, “I play dress up all the time.”
Her daddy rubbed the top of her head. “You amaze me my little princess,” he said.
“Of course I do,” the little girl said. “Now can we get an ice cream cone?”
Her daddy called out in a loud voice. “Make way for my princess. She desires the ice of cream.”
As the crowd separated to let them through, the little girl patted her daddy’s arm. “And I’m not a princess,” she said. “I’m the queen.”
Her daddy smiled. “Don’t grow up too fast kid. Pretend you’re a little girl for a bit more.”
The little girl grabbed onto her daddy’s hand. “Okay Daddy, but I still want chocolate ice cream.”
I always have wanted to be a superhero. I’ve always wanted to be a super parent. Is in honor of New York City Comicon, I bring you the top ten superpowers every parent wishes they had, or if they have them, gloats mercilessly at every party they go to. To those parents I have just one thing to say, I double dipped in the punch bowl. So without further ado, here is my top ten super powers every parent wishes they had.
10) Teleportation – My kids are too young for this to really factor in, but I talk to other parents and they would give their, and their kid’s, eyeteeth to be able to transport kids to and from various events, sports, and the dreaded dates without breaking out their pimped out minivan. Me, I would use it to kill my one and a half hour commute one way to work. Oh, and I do not live in Los Angeles. Yeah, you read that right. Oh, and then when my kids were old enough I could teleport the boyfriends to Alaska and my girls to a convent. Just don’t tell my girls that.
9) Cleaning dervish – My house looks like 2.4 million people live here. Okay, four girls and two parents, but that must add up to 2.4 million. The cleaning dervish power would allow me to keep my house so clean that Martha Stewart would bring people over for dinner parties ON MY FLOOR! That’s right, tables and chairs would not be needed for a black tie affair because my floor would be more than adequate.
8) Demon banisher – I dread that middle of the night wakeup from my girls about the bad dream they had. Getting them calmed down and back to sleep is my duty, but I am human. I think about the job I need to get to on time in the morning and wonder what it would take to get them back to sleep as soon as possible. If I had this super power it would be with a snap of my fingers. Then we both could go back to dream of pink ponies flying airplanes through strawberry milkshakes. What you say you never have dreams like that? I feel so sorry for you.
7) 360 degree vision – We all want to have eyes in the back of our head. Some people seem to actually do so. Are they aliens or superheroes? This should be a competition in the Olympics or something. Have little ones try to take cookies from the cookie jar, and the mom who could detect this from farthest away would get the gold. That, and a free examination from that guy on the Discovery Channel with the crazy hair that loves his aliens.
6) Healer – No parent wants to see their child hurt, and we all pretend to kiss the booboo away. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it really worked? I would give a lot for this power. I would then volunteer to be Gwyneth Paltrow’s personal healer. It would be a job, but a job I could get behind, after my jaw was reset after my wife was done.
5) Cloning – How many more of me would it take to make sure everything gets done each day. I can guarantee you more than one. I have a feeling it would be more than two. If you asked me my honest guess it would be 17.6 clones, but I would round up to 18 since 0.6 clones would be yucky.
4) Commanding voice – I have this every once in a while, but if I had it all the time… Of course I wouldn’t have to work or earn a living and I would be a horrible human being. That being said, there is not a single parent that would give for this power at one time or another, or every day. I would give a lot just to be able to get what I ordered when I go through drive thru. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to get my order right? I did it twenty five years ago. I mean fifteen years ago. Okay, I wish on that last one. Man I’m getting old.
3) Sleep inducer – This is one I really need to work on. My wife and I are night owls. Unfortunately we have passed this down to our children. If anyone knows how to claim this super power without the use of alcohol please let me know. Of course that would mean I was able to get my own stuff done, so this power without the cloning might not be as handy. Then again…
2) Produce food from thin air – It amazes me when I am able to pull this off. I have four children vying for my attention, not to mention my wife, but still everyday food appears on the table at some time in the evening, and most of the time it is not coming out of paper bags. I love to cook, but if I could just wave my arms and have nutritious, delicious food appear, my days would be so much easier. Oh, and with the way food prices are going, I would be a lot richer.
1) Love fountain – Needs no explanation. This is the one superpower that almost every parent has, and one that is the most important in raising children.
Does your top ten differ? Let me know in the comments below. I dare you. :>)
Oh, and be super for your children!
Time was not on Bruce’s side. The bomb could go off any minute. He tried to go over his training. Keep it simple. Use your checklist. Don’t panic. The bomb is able to sense your panic.
Bruce blanked on the checklist. He knew it just moments ago. How much time did he have left? Was he starting to panic? Maybe he could move it to a new location. Bruce nervously picked up the bomb.
Warning sirens sprang up. Come on, think. That’s when it hit him, change the diaper, feed, then burp. Too bad the baby had exploded into screaming.
I took my kids to Walmart the other day. As we walked back and forth along the aisles I observed a new behavior not seen out of my children before. It sent chills down my spine. My daughters were insisting on putting things back where they belonged on the shelves. This amazed me, especially coming from the redhead who NEVER wants to pick up. After about the fifth time of ‘Daddy, can we put X back’ I had to ask if they were feeling okay.
My oldest responded, “Why did you ask that?”
I told her that they didn’t want to pick up at home, so why start in a place where the people were actually paid to do so. We then discussed what was different about being at Walmart and being at home. Since my oldest is still only eight I did not get constructive answers from them. It did make me wonder what I could do to help foster this behavior. I came up with the most obvious choice, one that will be painful to transition to, but should solve the whole pick up problem. I am officially requesting that Walmart open a small location here in my house. It doesn’t have to be staffed since my kids will help stock the shelves. I know, you are thinking how brilliant this parenting spin is, and I can only agree. Next on my list, getting them doing lawn work by opening a small “flower shop”. I just hope Walmart doesn’t mind the competition on its front doorstep.
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