Twitter Away, Far Away

Craig left his house, feeling the itch to travel, but not knowing exactly where he wanted to go.  It was a beautiful day for a drive though, so he put the top down on his Ford Mustang.   Craig had tried to find someone to go with him, but they were all too busy.

“Well,” Craig thought, “I’m going to have an adventure of a lifetime.”  He took a selfie of himself in his car and posted it on all his social media.  “That should make them jealous,” he said.

Before turning the key, Craig decided to check one last time if someone had changed their mind.   He opened his Twitter and saw someone had sent him a direct message.

“The end of your world is coming.” – AliensRUs555.

Craig didn’t know anyone with that username, but for some reason it still put a smile on Craig’s face.  He hit reply.   “When exactly will the end be?”  No reply was immediately forthcoming, so Craig closed his phone and began to drive.

After about twenty minutes of driving along country roads he was in the middle of nowhere when his phone pinged.  He glanced over and saw it was another Twitter notification.  He barely looked back to the road in time to see a cow walking into his lane.

Craig swerved the car, narrowly missing the cow, but he ended up in a ditch.  He tried to drive the car back out, but it was stuck.  He picked up his phone and opened it up.  There was another Twitter direct message.

“How did you like the cow?” – AliensRUs555

“What the hell?” asked Craig to no one in particular, unless you counted the cow, but nobody, especially the cow, responded.  “How did you know about the cow?” he typed and hit reply.

A second later he got a reply.

“The real question is how did we know about the cow before it happened?” – AliensRUs555

Goosebumps arose on Craig’s arms.  He began to look around, but there didn’t seem to be anything out of the ordinary.  “This is crazy,” he said.

Another ding emanated from his phone.  Craig fearfully lifted it up to read the next DM.

“Not crazy.  Enjoy the ride!” – AliensRUs555

A bright light shot down from above, blinding Craig.


Three days later the police found Craig’s empty car on the side of the road.  They checked his social media accounts and saw he was posting pictures from various spots around the world.  They closed the case and moved on.  No one actually saw Craig again.


Valentine’s Day Encounter

Gary wiped his nose on the left sleeve of his t-shirt as he carried his twelve pack of Milwaukee’s Beast in one hand and smoked his off off brand of the week cigarette in the other.  The twelve pack would have been getting heavy, but Gary had decided it was easier to carry a few of them beers on the inside, saving his arms.  This was turning out to be a real crummy Valentine’s Day.  Even the prostitute he usually used was busy doing some free lance work on the holiday.  Gary couldn’t wait to get so stupid drunk that he wouldn’t wake up until Valentine’s was over.

Gary was about to lighten his load again when suddenly he heard that noise.  He has heard it on and off for the past year, but he always blamed it on the beer.  He began looking around, trying to see what could be making such a weird noise.  It always happened when he was alone.

Suddenly a light appeared to be falling from the sky.  As it got closer Gary began blinking his eyes rapidly.  He knew his eyes, or the beer combined with those awful cigarettes must be playing tricks on him.  At least that’s what he kept telling himself as what he could only describe as a spaceship hovered twenty feet overhead.  The worst part about the whole thing was that Gary was having a déjà vu feeling.  He ran for the forest, but the craft moved impossibly fast, cutting him off.  Gary slowly backed up, his beer and cigarette held in front of him as charms to ward off this evil spirit.  The spaceship was about the size of an eighteen wheeler and glowed faintly green.  The hairs on his arm stood on end, the world turned blue, and then suddenly Gary blacked out.

When Gary came to, he was naked with a box on his lap.  The empties from what had once been his twelve pack were scattered around him in a circle that faintly reminded Gary of that Stonehenge place he had watched on the Discovery Channel a couple of years back.  The thought of missing out on drinking all those beers almost made Gary cry.  Gary opened the box hoping that maybe there would be a beer or two that had survived.  Unfortunately he revealed only an array of chocolates, a single red rose, slightly smooshed from being inside the box, and a folded note.  The note read, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.  You were so good, we thought we should buy you chocolates and a rose.  Love, GRA$@G34q’

Gary began to cry.  At least someone loved him.

Female Attention

The warm Caribbean waters lap at my toes as I take another sip of my mango and rum smoothie.  I turn to my right and am blinded by the beauty of Scarlett Johansson once again.  I trace my fingers up her arm, and she smiles, licking her lips.  “You are the sexiest man I know,” Scarlett says as she takes my hand and begins to move it toward her bikini top.  “I want you,” she says.

I put my drink down since my other hand wants to get in on the deal.  Scarlett practically purrs.  “Daddy?” she asks.  “Daddy, wake up.”

I slip back into the waking world, my libido not liking that decision.  I find my hand in Lisa’s as she is trying to pull me from my bed.  “Daddy, there is a monster in my room,” Lisa says.

“You just need to go potty,” I say.  “Go to the bathroom, and then get back to bed.”  Lisa scampers out of the room.  I turn back over and spoon my wife.  She murmurs in support and cuddles in.  I’m thinking this might not be so bad after all.  I let my hands drift around and feel my wife slowly respond.  I slip her night shirt up a bit when I feel the bed shift and a pair of cold feet touch the base of my back.

“Lisa,” I hiss.  “I thought I told you to go potty.”  My wife rolls away from me and shudders, or maybe she is laughing.  I can’t tell which.

“I did Daddy,” Lisa says.  “But I’m still scared.”  She cuddles in even tighter.

I realize what I need to do, or else I am going to have her in my bed for the rest of the night.  That was definitely not going to be on docket for tonight.  Daddy needs a bit of female attention.  “Okay Lisa, let’s go to your room.  I’ll scare away the big bad monster.”

Lisa gives me a kiss on my back.  “Thank you, Daddy,” she says.  She then gets up and waits right next to the bed.

I roll to the edge of the bed and lean in close to Lisa.  “You need to move for me to get up,” I say.  She giggles and moves out of my way.  I get up and take her hand.  I walk her down the hallway and to her room.  I throw on the light switch looking at Lisa’s face.  “See, no monsters,” I proclaim proudly.

Lisa’s face beams at the proclamation, and she runs over to her bed and flops down on it.  “You were right, Daddy.  No monsters,” she says as she snuggles down into her covers.

I look around her room and freeze, my heart falling through the floor.  Lisa’s window is open!  I move over to her window as I hear a car drive away.  The ladder I keep in the backyard is up against the window outside.  I try to keep calm as I close the window and lock it.  “You know what?” I say, “Why don’t you sleep with Mommy and me tonight?  It will be a special treat.”

Lisa looks up from under her covers.  “Really?” she asks.

I paste a smile onto my face.  “Really.  Won’t that be neat?” I ask.

Lisa is out of her bed in a heartbeat.  I sweep her up into my arms and give her a long hard hug.  “I love you kid,” I say.

Lisa buries her face into my chest.  “I love you too, Daddy,” she says.

I carry her back to my bedroom to sleep in my arms.  It’s not the female attention I want, but it is the attention I need right now.