Silly (an acrostic poem)


So a neutron goes into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?”  The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”

If your boss tells you to have a nice day, does that mean you can go home?

Looking for a bitter and sweet drink?  Try some Reali-tea.

Listen, singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth, then it becomes a soap opera.

You know what, I was going to tell you a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.

Dive (an acrostic poem)


Dirt on the floor intermingled with peanut shells and spilled stale beer

It gave this old run-down bar a certain je ne sais quoi

Vacuuming up those plummeting through the floor of their lives

Enabling them a place to splash down while mumbling “Bottom’s up.”

Cracked (an acrostic poem)

Cool façade in place, she entered the bar

Raucous music assaulted her ears, but her eyes never waivered

Ahead was the bar, and he was at the end of it

Cozying up behind him, she inhaled his musk one last time before she struck

Killing him might have been extreme, but he deserved it

Everyone screamed, but they were drowned out by the music

Downing her pill, she joined him for eternity



Pickled (an acrostic poem)

Pounding back another tequila

It made his eyes cross

Curt looked around the bar

Keen to find someone to connect to

Lurching to unsteady feet, he stumbled towards her

Everything screamed to him that she was the one

Didn’t make it three steps before he found out the floor wanted him more



Heavenly Blues

Kortney listened to the blues floating down from heaven above.  In this case, heaven was Marvin’s, a dive bar located on the second floor of a rundown building that seemed to have lived the hard life the lead singer was lamenting about.  Kortney fondly stroked the broken brick façade with fondness.  She had been coming here steady since she was old enough to fall in love.  The problem was Marvin’s served liquor, and since Kortney had been thirteen at that time she could go no farther.

The regulars all knew her by name.  Hell, some of them offered to sneak her in, but today heaven was about to open up for her.  She took out her license and grimaced.  She hated her picture, but that date blazoned on it showed she was twenty-one as of today.  She opened the door and climbed those tired stairs, each step a religious pilgrimage.

At the top of the stairs the bouncer, Charlie, sat there on a tired looking chair.  He rubbed the sweat from his bald head with a paisley handkerchief.  “Hey there Kort.  Aren’t you being a bit bold?  You knows the rules.”

Kortney gave Charlie a smile.  He was one of the ones always offering to sneak her in, but she never took him up on the offer.  She always wondered what if, but now she knew it was worth it.  This was worth doing it right.  She held out her license.  “I’m all good, sir.  You just check it out.”

Charlie laughed and waved her hand away.  “Girl, you think I don’t know what day this is?  Get yourself in there.”  Charlie got up and opened the door for her.

Kortney paused with her hand still out.  She really wanted him to check it, to see that she really had crossed the threshold, but then she accepted his acceptance into the heavenly throng.  She smiled a nervous smile and put her license into her handbag.  She then crossed the threshold.

The music caressed her with a refreshing familiarity, but with a fidelity that set her soul vibrating.  The bartender, Liza, nodded in Kortney’s direction and pulled a long draft, setting it on the ancient bar top.   Liza pointed at the beer and then to Kortney before she turned to serve another old timer.

Kortney practically danced over to the bar.  When the music paused she found her voice.  “Sorry Liza, but I didn’t order this.”

“I did.  It’s my birthday gift to you.  I wouldn’t worry about thinking about paying for anything tonight, girlfriend.  Tonight you’ve come home.”  With that, Liza went back to her other customer.

Kortney picked up the beer and the band kicked into the next song.  She slumped onto a bar stool and sipped at her beer.  Heaven was better than she had ever imagined it was.



Margarita (a 100 word story)

Martha smiled as she sipped her margarita.  It had just the right amount of sweet and tangy, and the brim had the perfect amount of salt.  This all-inclusive resort was amazing.

She looked around the rest of the pool bar area, taking in all the couples slowly drinking their way till dinner and she wondered maybe this wasn’t the place for her.

She then had another margarita and decided it didn’t really matter.  Her drink could be her plus one.  And if this relationship didn’t last, well there was always the next one.

Luckily the pool caught her all tears.



TMI Valentine

Conner looked around the bar and shuddered.  These were the human remains of Valentine’s Day.  The men and women sitting around him gave off pheromones of desperation mingled with denial.  It was a bouquet that Conner currently found intoxicating.  He was especially fond of a petite blonde woman sitting between two men that seemed they were each trying to see who could come up with the worst pick up lines.  Conner figured the man on the right was winning since the blonde had tilted her body slightly in the direction of left man.

The waiter came by Conner’s table.  “So should I get you the check?” the waiter asked putting on his professional pay and move on voice.

Conner waved at the blonde.  “You can get her another drink,” he said.  “She looks like she needs some liquid encouragement.”  The waiter didn’t let his disappointment show through, but his eyes transmitted enough animosity that Conner knew he had to do something to keep the man on his side.  Pulling out a twenty he passed it to the waiter between his pointer and middle finger.  “Here, make that two, one for me, and keep the change.”

The waiter took the twenty and gave Conner the bill as a Hail Mary, but Conner just placed it on top of his used napkin.  The waiter shook his head as he walked to the back bar.  Conner enjoyed playing with the man.  It was one of the reasons he kept coming to this dive.  Well that and the pulled pork poutine, hence the dirty napkin.  That dish was an amazing heart attack drowned in the most delicious gravy that combined porkiness and barbeque notes together into something that would have Nashville citizens contemplate excommunicating the blues because they would be too happy.  Okay, maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but Conner would bet a fifty on it.

The blonde was happily surprised when the next batch of liquid numbing was placed in front of her.  The waiter pointed in Conner’s direction and she flashed a smile of relief at him.  Picking up her full glass, she fled the bar and settled in the seat facing Collin, turning her back on both her loser suitors.  They looked like if Conner left without her on his arm that maybe they would like to break it off for him.

“Mind if I join you?” she asked.  Without waiting for Conner to answer she continued.  “My name is Lucy.  Yours?”  She held out her left hand since she didn’t put down her new drink yet.

Conner took her proffered hand in his right hand.  This was starting off awkward.  “Conner.”  He quickly let her hand go, but he made sure his smile was turned up on high.  “I thought you could use a bit of an escape from Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber.”

The waiter dropped the carbon copy of her drink in front of Conner as Lucy laughed.  She gave off a small squeal as she realized Conner had ordered the same drink.  “You like these?” she asked.

“Love them, especially on Valentine’s Day,” Conner said.  He took a swig from the glass and shook his head at what he tasted.

“Not everyone loves a virgin sex on the beach,” Lucy said.  She took another big drink.  “It allows me all the fun of drinking, but none of the bad decisions that come with it.”

Collin hid his grimace behind his sickeningly sweet glass full of nothing fun. He began to wonder if he had already made a bad enough decision for both of them.  “That’s a pretty smart thing there.”  He held up his hand to the waiter, but the waiter was very busy talking to a customer that looked like they had their mouth full.  Collin conceded defeat and placed the glass on the table.  He swore he could hear the glass mocking him.  Collin turned to Lucy and looked into her eyes.  “I have to be honest.  Today I am more in the mood for a non-virgin.”

“Oh,” Lucy said.  “That’s a bit more personal than I expected from someone I just met.”  Collin did a double take.  “But you don’t have to worry about that about me.”

Collin did a quadruple check.  “Oh no,” he said.

Lucy interrupted.  “I mean, it’s been a while, but I have crossed that personal threshold,” she said.

Collin held up the virgin sex on the beach.  “I meant the drink,” he said.  “I am in the mood for a buzz.”  Lucy took a drink, but Collin could see the blooming of embarrassment in her cheeks.  It gave the illusion that half of that drink was vodka.  “Hell, I am in the mood to get smashed now.”

Lucy pounded back the rest of her drink.  “Maybe I should do the same,” she said.

Collin took out his credit card and held up the bill.  That got the waiter’s attention and he hurried over to snatch both and fled to the computer to cash him out.  Collin lifted his glass up in anticipation of a toast. “Look, I’m sorry we got off to such a bad start.  Want to try this again on Saturday?” he asked.

“Thank you, but no offence, no,” Lucy said.  She got up and headed back to the Loser Brothers.

Collin pounded back the rest of the juice and placed it back on the table gently.  He watched the two guys immediately kick back up their game, but now Lucy smiled at the freedom she was now feeling.  Collin wondered if he could ever come back to this again after blowing it that badly.

The waiter came back with his receipts and another drink.  “Top copy is mine, and that one isn’t a virgin.  I figured you would need it.”  The waiter left him alone with his drink and his thoughts.

Collin shook off some of his blues.  He sipped his strong sex on the beach and smiled.  Maybe this was the only sex he was going to have tonight, but the waiter confirmed that Collin had found love this Valentine’s Day. Besides, how could he break up with that poutine?  Collin made sure to tip the waiter thirty percent before heading out the door.