dating – Never Short On Words

The reddit writing prompt was: Write an online dating profile for someone that cannot lie and over shares about their life. So enjoy, I think. 🙂

My name is Mark, and I am a body waxer. I enjoy helping people become less hairy. I have used the hair I have collected over the years to weave all sorts of textiles and even knitted a few sweaters out of it. I used to be a masseuse, but something about my skin being too scaly forced me to switch professions.

I am six foot three and two hundred pounds. I used to play college football, but sat on the bench for all four years, never playing a single play. I tried out for mascot, but was beat out since I had problems with closed spaces. That is why I walk everywhere, though I do own three vehicles, so if you want to go out we can take my school bus, tractor trailer, or Hummer limo. You will need your class D license though since I prefer to sit in the big open space in back.

My ideal woman is breathing. No really, the dead freak me out. Also she has to really like candles. I have so much wax left over, and let’s face it, it is better to reuse than to throw it away. I saved so much money last year on electricity. Otherwise I would like a woman who likes to spin or knit.

My other hobbies include mountain climbing and bear wrestling. Okay, not really, but I was told women like the adventurous type. I get most of my adventure grappling with hairy fat guys on my table, ripping off their chest hair. Now let me tell you, when they scream, that is fun. Of course that might be too much for you. I won’t ask you to help till at least our third date.

I look forward to hearing from you. I promise I’ll bring you a sweater when we meet!